Women are weird creatures, they have been that way, I guess from the starting of the time, right after some years of the Big Bang. They tend to make life difficult for men in all the possible manners they can. They blame you for cheating; they will blame you for not communicating enough, hell they are going to put the blame on you for spending time with your pals. But have you ever thought about what might be the reason behind this behavior of theirs? Yes, there is a reason behind it, yes being a woman is one but other than that too; no, they are all crazy, that doesn’t apply to one of them, the actual scientific reason, they might be pushing towards menopause.

Well, menopause is that interval of woman’s after which the body declares her unfit to have kids. Yeah, they don’t bleed anymore after that, it actually is a significant saving that you won’t have to buy a fortune worth of tampons or contraceptive pills, but also now you have an old lady living with you. Like your mom wasn’t enough. So, for the sake of your mental peace and saneness, and by taking another bullet for the team “ManOfTheHouse,” please follow these steps to put her into the last phase of her life. 

Feed Her Good

Your lady is better than your pet, so she deserves better food as well and better care than him. You know, they become what they eat, if they are going to eat fried things, fast food and other foods with bad fats, what you will end up with? A very fat grumpy lady, do you want to be like Eustace from Courage the Cowardly Dog? No, you will not, your mamma didn’t raise you to pet some Muriel in the last years of your life. So, here it is, feed her food with refined carbohydrates and sugars, metabolism is prolonged in the last years of women. Not only that, they will start acting all manly as eating refined carbs is associated with androgens, the male hormones. So, no white bread, white rice, or any other ultra-processed carbohydrate food for her. Instead, give her complex carbohydrates like legumes, fruits, veggies, fiber foods, leafy greens and beans, and stuff. 

Tell Her to Drink A Lot of Water

Okay, women are plain dumb when it comes to taking care of their drinking and eating habits, so you have to make sure to nag her time and again for drinking a lot of water. Hydration is valid for these creatures, what it will do? Well, first of all, it will stop them from feeding that pie hole of theirs, and secondly, water is an excellent hunger curbing agent. When she is already full of water, she will not have any space left in her tummy to eat. Yeah, it is smart AF. You will have to get strict with her maybe but tell her, from now there shall be no snacks, not a one. 

Preach

Communication is a key in these times; yeah, her bitching with her best friend might help her get through this phase too. But you know what will help her more? You telling her what to do! Tell her why it is her fault why you are not out there with the guys, having beers, and punching drywalls. It is now that the crazy part starts to dwell up; if your Jesus-y words don’t help her, contact a therapist, yep! A shrink will fix it all for her. I know, I know it is still in the better than talking to a wall shaped woman. I Feel you. Not just this, you can get a medical marijuana card online and start using some amazing products that can help with menopause.

Ask Her to Get a Life

Tell me honestly how many Sunday league matches and men’s night out or backyard barbeque sessions? Other men will make “woopaah” sounds wherever you will go. You cannot spend the best days of your life taking care of a lady. Ask her to pick up a habit, go bowling, drink wine or something, it is not your problem, come on!

Okay Bye

Yeah, that’s enough girly talk for a day, I need a beer and some girl to catcall at. But, seriously, though, women are great!